Consistency (Five Years And No Pulitzer)

I have a dire confession to make. There was a day this winter when I rose from my bed devoid of any interest in pricing, packing, or sorting books. The weather was crummy—I’d seen worse, but this wasn’t great—and I felt as if I was catching a cold. Would the world stop revolving if I took a sick day and stayed home?

Of course not, but why take the risk? I said to myself, “Self!” (I always call myself by his last name.) “Why not distract yourself by reciting every motivational song they played for you as a kid?”

My confession is that this did the trick. I was three blocks down the street humming “Will Everyone here Kindly Step to the Rear and Let a Winner Lead the Way?” when I realized that cheap cheerful pop tunes had actually set me on the road. It’s not that I minded going to work: it was being lured into the trap of positive thinking.

Anyway, in honor of our fifth anniversary in this space, I present a Newberry version of one of the mightiest of all motivational songs, known to you as “High Hopes”.

Next time you’ve found

That the server is down,

There’s a lot to be read,

So shop around.

Just what makes the Newberry sale

Think it can sell old stuff and not fail?

You know that makes a sale fail:

They’ve gone right off the rail!

‘Cause they’ve got…old books!

They’ve got…old books!

They’ve got kick off the spiders,

Scrape the mold books!

But why not quit your sighing and

Think of buying a

Treasure you can take home?

Whoops, there goes another thousand buck

Whoops there goes another thousand buck

Whoops there goes another thousand buck tome

You forgot your password,

Lost your last Angry Bird;

There’s a lot to be read:

So quit the herd!

Once there was a silly old jerk

Thought he’d sell an old reference work:

They’d rather watch him twerk, jerk,

Than try selling that work,

‘Cause he had old books!

He had old books!

He had not worth their weight

In fool’s gold books!

Next time you think you need your

Wikipedia:

Tried the Newberry yet?

Whoops there goes an old Britannica

Whoops there goes an old Britannica

Whoops there goes an old Britannica set!

A Kindle’s just a fancy toy

That the kids enjoy

Loading with fancy junk:

Whoops there goes another Kindle ker

Whoops there goes another Kindle ker

Whoops there goes another Kindle kerplunk!

Kerplunk!