I Read It in a Book

I have hinted before that I dislike books which are filled with True Facts. These are the books that get into print to prove that what you’ve been reading in all those other books is part—intentionally or through ignorance—of a general scheme to deny you the truth about this, that, or the other thing. It isn’t that I mind alternate views being published. It’s the refusal of the authors to be the least bit modest about their work.

“ALL those OTHER books are WRONG; I am the ONLY one who can tell you the TRUE FACTS.” The attitude lends a certain odor to their books, at least when I read ‘em. In fact, I dislike this slant on a story so thoroughly that even when I agree with the writers, and even when I know that at least some of what they’re telling me is, in fact, the truth, my nostrils flare, my teeth grit, and I begin to pick holes in the story. Is that conclusion obvious, really, or is it obvious just because you say it’s obvious? When you say, around chapter six, that you proved something in chapter two, did you, or are you just saying that because you think I’m too lazy to go back and check? And stop saying “WE have proven.” Don’t haul me into your camp just yet, Sport.

So I’m not saying that these books, each of which arrived at the Book Fair in the last few weeks, do not contain some truth. It is engraved in my brain that no book is completely true or completely false. I just wanted to say that I have had some authors toss True Facts in my face lately, and I am planning to cast their masterpieces to you, dear blogreader, at bargain prices this July. Among the treasures you have coming are books with enough True Facts to Obviously Prove that:

All ghost stories were invented by the upper classes to scare the working class into not going out of their neighborhood to find better jobs.

The Civil War was started by Northern workers who feared that the constant racial interbeeding between plantation owners and slaves in the South was creating a master race.

The United States Navy deliberately provoked the attack on Pearl Harbor because it would be good for America to go to war.

Men and Women should not be classed as variant types of human being because they are, in fact, two entirely separate species.

It is clearly stated in the Bible that food should never be cooked to a temperature above 118 degrees Fahrenheit.

Everything negative that has been published about J. Edgar Hoover is part of the international Communist conspiracy.

All television broadcasts are made on a frequency which causes dulling of the brain functions.

The assassinations of John F. Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy were both engineered by a man who was hopelessly in love with Jackie.

All hip-hop recordings have embedded messages which, if played backward, clearly state: “Pack books in banana boxes”.

Okay, I made that one up. But I bet I could back it with lots of True Facts if I didn’t have to spend my time sorting the other books. 

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