You Did It Again | Page 57 | Newberry

You Did It Again

Now, I have told you and told you about this. You have to take a look at things before you donate them. It’s not that I mind. I just always wonder “Was I SUPPOSED to know that your nearest and dearest calls you Bun-Bun?”

There’s the inscription to Bun-Bun. I won’t tell you the nickname of the signer, lest I embarrass some specific Bun-Bun. (Part of my philosophy of life is that the world is filled with Bun-Buns.) It doesn’t embarrass me if it doesn’t embarrass you, of course. Let the whole world know someone gave Bun-Bun a copy of The Guinea Pig Always Rings Twice. But just think it over.

I never particularly look twice at bags, unless the store they advertise is in Singapore or Kakoola, Wisconsin, or something. So I can never remember, when asked, who donated books in that enormous bag from the Swedish Bakery. Same way with boxes: as long as it’s not a banana box or a computer box or some such, I don’t really notice whether it’s from Jelly Belly or Norma Jean Wine.

Mind you, I think some of you ought to clean OUT the box a bit before you fill it with books. Did that person who donated books in the box from the online shoe purveyor really want me to know her shoe size? (I know nothing about women’s shoe sizes, by the way. Is 14 E larger than normal?) And the person who gave me that box with the, um, correspondence in it? Where you explain to the company you’re returning that bit of intimate apparel because it fell right off the first time it was worn? Did you want me to know about that? (By the way, was it the elastic or what? I assume they sent a replacement, since you got the box back, but how did the story end up?)

And that legendary greeting card on which your girlfriend wrote a summary of your relationship across three pages of the card, how she resented the way your “tenticals” had reached into all parts of your life. Did you two….and what word…never mind.

I don’t want to make you self-conscious or anything, and I’d hate to have you stop giving me books because of what I might find. I’m just suggesting that you ought to do something if you don’t want to find some secret sentiment of yours turning up in a blog somewhere. (It would be low of me to suggest bribery, I suppose, but a gold coin in each box would give me other things to think about. Just an idea.)

Add new comment